Tuesday 1 November 2011

"Today I woke too weak to walk"

That’s my favourite song lyric ever, it’s by Stephen Sondheim.  The way it scans and what it says in seven words says more than most songs  could say in seven minutes.
All of which got my thinking I ought to name and shame some of the worst song lyrics I know.

Thin Lizzy’s Jailbreak has the immortal line ‘There’s gonna be a jailbreak, somewhere in this town’
Well I am no Columbo or even Bob Cryer from The Bill but I would go as so far to hazard a guess that it just might possibly be in the JAIL??

Deacon Blues Real Gone Kid has the chorus;
“And you're a real gone kid
And maybe now baby
I'll do what I should have did”
Now that’s not even proper English! And don’t talk to me about poetic licence it’s just lazy and is probably one of the reasons the country is in the state it is today, well that and Steps getting back together.  It wouldn’t have taken them 2 minutes to change the song slightly and make it about a purchase from Greggs that’s gone past its sell by date and the regret the owner has of not throwing it out before it went a bit off:
“and you’re a real gone bun, maybe now baby, I’ll do what i should have done”.

Tuesday 4 October 2011

http://readingroom.podbean.com/

 
This month we talk to BBC film critic Mark Kermode about his latest book The Good, The Bad and The Multiplex, comedian, musician and writer Tony Hawks tells us about the trials of turning his bestseller Round Ireland with a Fridge into a film, Science Fantasy author Marie Harbon talks about her book Seven Point Eight, our short story comes from Louis Malloy, and The Reading Room Book Group review Flick by Abigail Tarttelin. All this, plus more Musings of a Muddled Mind with Jamie McKay and poetry from John Welsh.

Monday 26 September 2011

Never Leave The House.

So I went into town on Saturday, and after roughly 4 years of searching I managed to find a parking space only to realise that I didn't have any change.
 
Dammit I thought, I looked to see if the sweets stall that only sells sweets because people need to change a fiver was there but no it was shut.
 
Ok ok what would Jack Bauer do I thought, and after discounting the idea of interrogating the bloke selling conservatories until he confesses to planning to blow up Argos I realised my only chance is to quickly buy something from toys r us (the nearest shop) and leg it back to the car before I get a ticket.
 
I ran inside the shop, god it was busy AND NOISY, why do they let children into these places?? I frantically looked for the cheapest item I could find (unfortunately the Xbox Connect wasn't it, not that I know what one is anyway it sounds like a park and ride bus at Luton Airport) and hurriedly made my way to the nearest and only open checkout. Only to find the most spoilt child in the world (looking a lot like Veruca Salt from Charlie & The Chocolate Factory "I will sqweem and squeem") has managed to persuade her long suffering parents to buy the entire stock of Bratz dolls, wigs, shoes and most of aisle F.
 
I eventually put my single solitary item on the conveyor belt and shuffled to the front of the queue.
The shop assistant (her name I believe was Abi...) looked at my item, then looked at me, then started to smile, then looked at me again, not in a 'he's nice' way though, it was more of a 'who let him out, it must have been a mistake, he is just a tad on the wrong side of weird' sort of look.
 
"Is that all you are buying sir" she said looking at me, I could tell she was about to laugh
 
"err yep it is" I said looking at what I was going to buy; ONE GIANT GOLD CHOCOLATE COIN
 
"yeah sorry I need change for the car park"
 
then I realised how it looked and the penny (or giant coin) dropped.
 
"not that it will fit in the machine I know!"
 
she started laughing and I turned bright beetroot red and quickly left after paying, imagining that she was thinking I would put my giant gold coin into a blue cartoon parking meter and drive off in my big cartoon clown car, hooting away, with Roger Rabbit in the passenger seat, whilst the loony tunes theme plays in the background.
 
As porky pig would say; Thats all folks.

Tuesday 6 September 2011

http://readingroom.podbean.com/

This month the Reading Room Book Group take an outing to the cinema to watch the film adaptation of One Day by David Nicholls, starring Anne Hathaway and Jim Sturgess. Will Hollywood ruin one of our favourite books - or bring a whole new audience to it? We’ll also be talking to actress and writer Abigail Tarttelin about her first novel Flick, Claire Kinton returns with the first chapter of her book Dead Game, we find out how thebookpond.com helps students swap academic books, and our tea break story comes from Jim Gotts. All this plus more 101 Books To Read Before You Die, poetry from Paul Eteng and Jamie McKay brings us Musings of a Muddled Mind.

Monday 5 September 2011

Signs You May Have Been Watching Too Much T.V

Each day as soon as you wake up you announce 'previously on my life' then proceed to re-enact brief snippets of the day before.
You leave the house with a slice of toast in your mouth as 'Walking On Sunshine' or the theme from Friends plays in the background.
At work you get called in to see the boss, call him Captain, accuse him of eating doughnuts whilst you are on the streets and he calls you a maverick and to get out of his office - even though you work in the Admin Dept of the Tax Office, your bosses name is Derek and he likes morris dancing.
Before going for lunch you tell the story of your incredibly tough upbringing, being raised by 3-legged blind rabbits in an allotment shed in Milton Keynes whilst Fix You by Coldplay mysteriously appears getting louder as you speak.
You come back from lunch punching the air singing  Take That's 'Today this could be the greatest day of our life'.
After a Staff Meeting you tell the rest of the room to 'press the red button now for an exclusive behind the scenes look at your life'.
Rubbish comedians a la Shane Ritchie and Bobby Davro seem to start work in your building. Yes that is Joe Pasquale that started on the reception desk today.
Whenever someone says something slightly rude or strange, you find yourself turning to an imaginary camera and make a bemused face.
Before going on your annual holiday you announce to everyone that you will be back in the Autumn but people can follow your life in a series of expensive audio books available from all good retailers in the meantime.

You don't have Christmas Day but a Christmas Special, that isn't as good as a normal day, lasts twice as long and has a surprise appearance by John Barrowman singing 'Let It Snow' to your Nan.

Tuesday 23 August 2011

a coarse and unpleasant instrument

"Lincolnshire was historically associated with the Lincolnshire bagpipe, an instrument derided as a coarse and unpleasant instrument in contemporary literature, but noted as very popular in the county. The last player, John Hunsley of Middle Manton,[16] died in 1851,[17] and since then the instrument has been extinct."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lincolnshire

I think we should bring this instrument back, its obviously overdue for a revival. How bad was it that its last player died and its become extinct. Thats extinct, not unpopular or overlooked but actually extinct. How many other instruments have gone the same way as the dodo? should there be a charity set up to try and protect these troubled creatures? and who is going to be next? Are the triangle's numbers dwindling to a worrying degree? Is the glockenspiel struggling to find food in the current climate? Do we need to try and get the washboard and the spoons to try and breed in order to keep them going? I feel a campaign coming on.....
from wikipedia

Thursday 11 August 2011

Hmm what to write about this week?

I must admit have found it difficult to concentrate on anything else creative the past few days (poor me you must be thinking). My mind keeps switching to recent events and mulling over the why's and how's and what's etc.
 
After a relatively peaceful night, indeed who would have thought that rioting has the same rules as cricket? a little bit of rain and everyone goes in for tea! Who knows if the covers will be taken off tonight and England will go out to 'bat' again?
 
The first thing I noticed in the aftermath of the initial chaos is that it only takes a riot to bring out the inner racist in people doesn't it. Looking at the some of the postings on social networks it seems you only have to scratch the surface of some people with a blunt stick to reveal opinions that would make even Enoch Powell blush. The idea of bringing in the army to start shooting at teenagers and even younger people doesn't seem to be a particularly well rounded argument. Its almost like some people have turned into a psychopathic version of supernanny "you won't eat your broccoli?" "well go and stand over there while I blast you with water cannon and rubber bullets, that will get you to eat your greens poppet"
 
There seem to be three schools of thought on this:
 
1) the people participating in rioting/looting are scum and should be locked up until the world is run by dolphins and we all get around by using jetpacks. I have even seen mention that people have to 'earn' human rights? human rights aren't the equivalent of your Tesco club card you know, "oh I am sorry Mr Fletcher you haven't earned enough human rights points this month for human rights I'm afraid so we will have to throw you in a cave and let you THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.
 
2) the people participating are 'misunderstood' and are only doing this in order to get a job interview with WH SMITHS. I don't buy this either really. I have never found this the best way to gain employment even if it does seem less boring than updating your c.v or actually looking for jobs.
 
3) this is where I sit, somewhere in middle of course or as someone actually told me this week "a lily minded liberal". Which I thought was a phrase that only existed in the mind of that bald CID policeman in The Thin Blue Line along with the words "namby pamby". Yes of course what has happened can't be defended, how does looting your local newsagent show the government you aint taking any more? or setting fire to an independent record shop tell the powers that be you have had enough with politicians taking away your money and rights? But at the same time you have to question why has this happened now? At anytime since at least 1979 the poor have been getting poorer and the rich getting richer, governments are known for helping big businesses at the taxpayers expense, large consortiums have always found ways to pay less tax and poorer areas of the country have always struggle to have the voices heard and opinions taken seriously. So why now?
 
I think that just by calling the behaviour deplorable, calling for more police, water cannons etc and thinking that by smacking England in the face a couple of times the government and those that agree with them are frankly missing the point. To put it simply its like taking painkillers to cure a headache without finding out whats causing the pain in the first place?
 
With this happening on such a mass scale its not as easy as that, I have been trying to think of a good analogy but this will have to do:
 
If I was to run around my local town shouting that "YOUR SHOES ARE MADE OF JELLY BRYAN!" in the faces of innocent bystanders for an afternoon I would quite rightly be escorted away by police and hopefully someone would look into my brain and try to understand if I am mentally unstable, in which case treatment and/or therapy would be made available. Or if I am simply being annoying they would probably put me in a room, take me to court or fine me. The point is (yes I do have a point) that people would look into why I was behaving that way and if possible help, or at least help understand what prompted my jelly shoe theory.
 
But if a thousand people ran around my town informing people of the jelly shoe situation the solution seems to be, at least in the eyes of the government, to lock us all up and hope we go away quietly for a bit. Giving politicians more time to cut police/health/education services (indeed those very people that would investigate mentally unstable no doubt) in a strange attempt to sweep everything under the carpet until after the next election.
 
So anyway as it has become clear I don't have all (or many really) of the answers, but that people should think before strapping on their rubber bullet gun and jumping on the water cannon bandwagon.
 
YOUR SHOES ARE MADE OF JELLY BRYAN!
 

Thursday 4 August 2011

OOPS

just a quick one, if you ever find yourself in this situation try not to repeat what a friend of mine (*obviouslyme*) did:
 
in a meeting, big meeting at work with a new manager explaining his new 'vision' for the business:
new manager guy: " so that's how I see the way forward, now can I ask for comments?"
 
what I thought he said "so that's how I see the way forward, now can I ask PHIL COLLINS?"
 
what my response should have been "yeah sounds good blah blah blah"
 
what my actual response was "I CAN FEEL IT COMING' IN THE AIR TONIIIGHHHT"
 
Cue blank stares, embarrassed atmosphere and general all round awkward squirmyness for what seemed like an hour.

Monday 1 August 2011

Spam Spam Spam Spam

It's strange how email spam has changed over the years, I remember it used to be fairly harmless messages encouraging you to click here for the latest deals on televisions and fluffy emails that didn't amount to anything more than a gentle nudge towards signing up for a holiday brochure.
 
Then one day the fella who is in charge of all spam in the world, I believe his name is Ivan McSpammyboots, realised that this wasn't working, people were quite rudely ignoring his wave after wave of harmless junk and instead reading emails about "LOL catz" or "'do you remember the eighties oh they were so FUNNY".
 
So in a rather surprising U-turn he decided to cut out all the wishy washy nonsense and instead focus on INNUENDO WORDS WITH THE CAPS LOCK KEY TURNED ON. Initially this had they desired effect as we would spend minutes, sometimes days, giggling like schoolboys as emails with headings like ENLARGEMENT MAX PILLS, PERFORM LIKE A STALLION PLEASE and PLEASURES TIME GUARANTEED started to flood our inboxes.
 
Mr McSpammyboots was delighted (or EXCITING ALL NIGHT SIR as his emails would describe it), the world was being overrun with these delightful literary masterpieces and soon the world would be his!
 
.......but just like before people started ignoring them, not even opening them and even deleting them before they hit their inbox.
 
Now in one last attempt to rule the world (or at least bung it up a bit) Ivan has decided to write incredibly long, complex, badly spelt, letters from people claiming to be from Nigeria emailing you and just you! about the chance to earn millions of dollars. Or people who have found 1.2 million pounds owed to you by the F.B.I. All you have to do is give all of your bank account details, passwords, address and shoe size. The more ridiculous and convoluted these messages get the less sympathy I have for those muppets who appear on Watchdog after giving their life's savings, house and Gran without even contemplating checking with someone they know that isn't a complete idiot.
 
I have copied one I have received below so you can decide the next time you see Mr and Mrs Shufflesmith on Rogue Traders moaning about there 3.4 billion owed to them by the Bureau Of Nigerian Bank Corrections whether they should be helped or just POINT AND LAUGH AT THEM HA HA HA HA.
 
 
 FROM THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION FBI.
WASHINGTON DC./ UNITED STATES
FBI SEEKING TO WIRETAP INTERNET IMPOSTERS. [Code SSSSFBI]
 
It is obvious that you have not received your fund which is to the tune of $5.5million due to past corrupt Government Officials who almost held the fund to themselves for their selfish reason and some individuals who have taken advantage of your fund all in an attempt to swindle your fund which has led to so many losses from your end and unnecessary delay in the receipt of your fund.
 
The National Central Bureau of Interpol enhanced by the United Nations and Federal Bureau of Investigation have successfully passed a mandate to the current president of Nigeria his Excellency Dr. Goodluck E. Jonathan to boost the exercise of clearing all foreign debts owed to you and other individuals/contractors and organizations who have been found not to have receive their Contract/Lottery/Merit Fund/Inheritance and the likes.
 
Now your payment will be sent to you by ATM card that will be coming alongside a custom pin which you will use to withdraw up to $10,000 per day from any ATM machine that has the Master Card Logo on it. Also with the ATM card you will be able to transfer your funds to your bank account, because the ATM card will be registered with Interswitch. The ATM card comes with a handbook or manual to enlighten you about how to use it. Your ATM card would be sent to you via UPS courier service because we have signed a contract with UPS which should expired by June 20th 2011. Below are few list of tracking numbers you can track from UPS website to confirm people like you who have received their payment successfully.
 
Note: Everything that will impede the process of transfer has been taken care of, to effect the release of your fund valued at $5.5million you are advised to contact the director of payment and delivery officer ISAAC PETERS with the information below;
 
Name: Rev Isaac Peters
Email:
On contacting him do provide him with the following information’s required from you for the shipping of your ATM card parcel:
 
Your full Name:
Your Address:
Country:
Sex:
Occupation:
Home Phone:
Cell Phone:
 
A valid copy of your identity is also needed.
 
Thanks for your anticipated co-operation,
 
Mr. ********************
FBI [Code SSSSFBI]
CC: Federal Bureau of Investigation
CC: National Central Bureau of Interpol

Thursday 23 June 2011

the difference between men and women packing for a holiday:

women:
make a list on both sides of A4 lined paper listing everything to be packed, often not just a long list but a list with a contents page, footnotes and an index at the back. Also with sub headings (evening shoes, going out pants etc), cross referencing and including items of clothing for every possible weather type and scenario e.g: coats to wear incase of locust plague, ropes in case of tornado or demon invasion, shoes for walking, shoes for sitting, shoes for cobbles, shoes for bobbles, shoes for wibbles and for wobbles. Jewellery for the day, jewellery for the night, jewellery for 2:36pm on a tuesday, jewellery incase you meet the queen, jewellery in case you don't meet the queen, clothes for wearing in the car, clothes for the airport check in, clothes for the bit after the airport check in, clothes for the plane incase of turbulence, snow, drizzle or all three. Clothes to wear whilst waiting for the baggage carousel and clothes that are never actually worn but remain in the suitcase until getting back home.
 
men:
how many days are we on holiday for? workout this number (using a pencil and the same piece of A4 that has been used by your partner for her list) and take the same amount of pants, socks and t-shirts. Also, a pair of jeans incase a posh do suddenly presents itself and a pair of shoes (flip flops can be bought for extortionate prices either at the airport or one of those strange gift shops that sell them along with flags, postcards and hooky harry potter memoribillia).

Monday 16 May 2011

my thought process whilst listening to a conservatory salesman yesterday went like this

 
he's very young, or am i getting old
I am hungry
his shoes need polishing, you should always have shiny shoes
what is an orangery?
but he has nice hair
not sure which is better, bacon or sausages
will i be able to write my masterpiece in our orangery, if not can we get the money back
i need coffee, coffee, coffee. If I think this hard enough, will it transmit to him and will he make a drink?
can you get lemonreys? or starfruiterys?
i don't like wicker, I don't like the word wicker either, it sounds like witter and flicker which i don't like either
yes! it worked! I have coffee
JUDAS, JUD AA AA
 

Wednesday 4 May 2011

Middleagedious

The Daily Telegraph have this morning published

Happiness: the 5 big personality traits - which one are you?

 

Well I seem to fall under another category which I have entitled - Middleagedious

Middleagedious people have a low tolerance threshold for several things, stupid people, annoying people, annoying and stupid people, being told what to do and how to think by anyone especially the television, politicians and annoying or stupid people (some can fall under all categories). They tend to have rose tinted glasses when looking back on the past - particularly when it comes to music, films and 'the summer'. In their mind they were halcyon days filled with endless sunshine beach holidays, films that blew your mind, made you laugh and cry (and that was just Short Circuit two) and listened to the most beautiful music that if nightingales had record deals wouldn't have compared to the joyous sounds that Bruno Brookes used to play. Whereas in reality most of it sounded like a nightingale had drank to much 20/20 whilst doodling on a cheap casio keyboard with 'the big drum setting' turned up to eleven and the films dated so badly that the mushrooms delivered by my supermarket to my home had a longer shelf life. And shoes were comfier.

Middleagedious people are likely to agree with the following statments:

Shutup

Go away

God go and annoy someone else

I can't hear anyone speak in clubs

this just sounds like madonna/michael jackson/prince/renee and renata

all these channels and sod all on

why can't I find comfy shoes

Shutup and go away

 

anyway see which category you fall under :-)

 

Thursday 21 April 2011

hidden talents

what happens to all the hidden talents people have if they are kept hidden?
You know when you find out someone you have known for 20 years suddenly announces that they were a virtuoso violinist at the age of 16, with dreams of travelling the world with the Halle Orchestra but somehow ended up working in a post office listening to grey people complain about stamp prices.
 
I sometimes wonder if these hidden talents get resentful at all about the adulation and respect that luckier 'used' talents get? much like an x factor winner who doesn't get Simon cowells full attention and has to resort to singing covers of Boyz 2 Men songs in the local gala bingo hall whilst passers by think he looks a bit familiar "maybe he was alfie moons cousin Doris?"
 
With this in mind I am starting a campaign (some say movement, mind you some say shut up) to unleash your hidden talents, in order to make life more fulfilling, the world a better place and to make sure that talents can live a happy long life, like free range chickens with their own range rovers and banjos.
 
So whether you have a gift for playing the ukulele, juggling choux pastry buns, writing piano sonatas or just simply turning wallpaper into fire I am calling for you all to use your hidden talents! gather on the streets and show the world your gifts! I am looking to see a gathering of the hidden talent army to march on the streets of London and other places like a mobile X-Mens Got Talent show.
 
Alternatively you can stay at home watching Olly Murs grumbling that that should have been me whilst drinking cider while your hidden talent teams up with an ulcer to perform 'don't you want me baby' in your stomach.
 

Wednesday 20 April 2011

things i have learnt over the past few days.

peppers don't agree with me  ("yes we do!" says a pepper) 
 
apples give me indigestion 
 
cheese makes my nose itch (after I eat it not just beacuse it exists, cheese that is not my nose. Although now I think about it which did come first the cheese or the nose?) 
 
have a craving for ginger beer at 7am 
 
Tesco shopping turns me into an evil version of Jason Bourne from the Bourne Films; I call him Jamie Bourne
 
You can tell the age range of a BBQ simply be overhearing the music; if you hear several Phil Collins songs its a safe bet its an over thirties BBQ that will start out sensibley and end up with adults drunkenly jumping on a trampoline whilst singing along to Sweet Caroline.
If its mainly Justin Bieber and The Saturdays you can hear wafting through the airwaves then it will almost definitely be an under 23 BBQ that starts out sensibly, before ending up with grounded children banished to there room whilst adults drunkenly jump on a trampoline and sing along to Sweet Caroline.
 
The older you get the more time you spend swearing at the television.

Tuesday 19 April 2011

a really annoying pixie called Gerald

So in order to try and banish the monday morning blues I have tried various methods including:

Going to bed early
Going to bed late
drinking tea
drinking wine
drinking beer
drinking hot chocolate
drinking squash
treating sunday like its the end of the world
treating sunday like its a pretend saturday night, with movies, snacks and stuff
imagining that monday is the start of what could be the best week of my life.

Well it’s best to say none of these worked. Which leads me to the only conclusion I have left; Monday morning is the work of the devil, or at least a really annoying pixie called Gerald with a moustache and a pen in his top pocket.

Gerald’s main duties seems to include positioning a grey cloud of impending doom over your head at approximately 6pm on a sunday evening and switch it to 'rain melancholy' mode for the rest of the day and then ensure that when your alarm does goes off on Monday you feel like you have had around ten minutes sleep. Perhaps if your Gerald is feeling particularly spritely he made even thrown in a ‘'isn’t it Sunday?' feeling just as you wake up to ensure maximum annoyance.

It has occured to me that the funtime weekend elf (the arch nemesis of the sunday pixie) is not taking his duties seriously and seems to be knocking off work around lunchtime on sunday afternoon.

Infact this Saturday even felt like a Sunday so he may have even bunked off work even earlier to spend more time sunbathing leaving Sunday Pixie to cover his shift!

So you may be wondering how to combat these little blighters? Well there isn't much you can do accept do your best to ignore them, they will go away eventually (at least by Tuesday) and like a brat filled with hyperactive sunny delight, if you don't humour him he will eventually dissapear in a sulk and hide in the laundry basket until next week.

Remember that Monday is the start of what could be the best week of your life! (whacks the sunday pixie with a wooden spoon).