Tuesday, 27 March 2012


So anyway after spending the entire afternoon in blockbusters you finally decide which dvd to watch. There is no pressure but your entire weekend depends on this film lifting you from the beige of suburban chores and greys of getting groceries to the dizzy heights of Technicolor dolby surround 3D HD Bluray stingray stuff.

You put it in the DVD player.

Then following several bouts of frantic whirling you take it out the dvd player as it fails to play. You repeat this at least 4 times, for some reason whoever borrows films the week before I do coats his hands in strawberry jam, plays Frisbee with the disc, then uses it as a plate for his dog before giving it back to the shop.

After polishing the disc with a variety of cloths, towels and the cat you do the ‘breath on it’ bit for no obvious reason other than its what your dad would probably do (or bleed the bloody radiators), and try one more time.

Hooray the magic box is working!

You do “the magic box is working dance” around the living room with your cat, unless you have a cat like mine that refuses to dance. He also categorically refuses to part-tay but that’s another story.

Then you watch the trailers.

This is where it all goes wrong.

What appears on screen are three trailers for the most amazing, mind blowing films ever made. The make The Matrix look like Police Academy 6 and the Matrix 2 look like….well the Matrix 2. Starring every actor you’ve loved ever, even dead ones, directed by God with a soundtrack by the Beatles and cinematography by Salvidor Dali. They look so amazing you would sell your gran for the chance to watch one of them tonight.

But you don’t, you watch Isn’t She Quirky and isn’t he Funny 3. For 2 and a half hours, then, when you can finally lift your depression of the sofa at yet another failed weekend you take the disc back to blockbusters – but can you remember the names of the films from heaven?? Of course not – so you potter about for another decade and hire Isn’t She Quirky 4 instead.

1 comment:

  1. I'm still working on VHS - when I hear that whirring noise I fear that's the end of my 25 year old videos :)

    And I've got a subscription to NetFlix now - so I really know how disappointing films can be!!