DVDon’t.

So anyway after spending the entire afternoon in blockbusters you finally decide which dvd to watch. There is no pressure but your entire weekend depends on this film lifting you from the beige of suburban chores and greys of getting groceries to the dizzy heights of Technicolor dolby surround 3D HD Bluray stingray stuff.

You put it in the DVD player.

Then following several bouts of frantic whirling you take it out the dvd player as it fails to play. You repeat this at least 4 times, for some reason whoever borrows films the week before I do coats his hands in strawberry jam, plays Frisbee with the disc, then uses it as a plate for his dog before giving it back to the shop.

After polishing the disc with a variety of cloths, towels and the cat you do the ‘breath on it’ bit for no obvious reason other than its what your dad would probably do (or bleed the bloody radiators), and try one more time.

Hooray the magic box is working!

You do “the magic box is working dance” around the living room with your cat, unless you have a cat like mine that refuses to dance. He also categorically refuses to part-tay but that’s another story.

Then you watch the trailers.

This is where it all goes wrong.

What appears on screen are three trailers for the most amazing, mind blowing films ever made. The make The Matrix look like Police Academy 6 and the Matrix 2 look like….well the Matrix 2. Starring every actor you’ve loved ever, even dead ones, directed by God with a soundtrack by the Beatles and cinematography by Salvidor Dali. They look so amazing you would sell your gran for the chance to watch one of them tonight.

But you don’t, you watch Isn’t She Quirky and isn’t he Funny 3. For 2 and a half hours, then, when you can finally lift your depression of the sofa at yet another failed weekend you take the disc back to blockbusters – but can you remember the names of the films from heaven?? Of course not – so you potter about for another decade and hire Isn’t She Quirky 4 instead.

Damn Machines.

In the olden days when we were cavemen and big brother was only on once a year getting up and going to work in the morning was so much simpler. The sun would come up, you put your caveman suit on, stick the kettle on, remember the kettle hasn’t been invented yet and then go out to work.

Nowadays it’s a miracle we even manage to leave the house without having an Arthur fowler type rocking chair breakdown and steal the Christmas club money. The alarm clock goes off, you spend five minutes checking the time on your phone to make sure it’s the same time as the alarm clock and stumble into the shower grumbling like a goth Boris Johnson with a Bells whisky hangover.  When you leave the bathroom, as you are halfway down the stairs, before you even set foot in the kitchen, you check your phone for text messages. Then you check your Hotmail, check you work email, check facebook, wishing people you never speak to and never intend to speak to, a happy birthday smileyfacelol, check twitter, check the online bbc news even though you are actually listening to the actuak real life news on the real life actual radio just in case the news on the radio is a rather elaborate matrix style alternate reality, check the weather on bbc, check the weather on the met office, listen to the weather on the news and this is before you even leave the house!

It wouldn’t be so bad but you then do  it all over again twenty minutes later when you get to work.

"Today I woke too weak to walk"

That’s my favourite song lyric ever, it’s by Stephen Sondheim.  The way it scans and what it says in seven words says more than most songs  could say in seven minutes.

All of which got my thinking I ought to name and shame some of the worst song lyrics I know.

Thin Lizzy’s Jailbreak has the immortal line ‘There’s gonna be a jailbreak, somewhere in this town’

Well I am no Columbo or even Bob Cryer from The Bill but I would go as so far to hazard a guess that it just might possibly be in the JAIL??

Deacon Blues Real Gone Kid has the chorus;

“And you're a real gone kid
And maybe now baby
I'll do what I should have did”

Now that’s not even proper English! And don’t talk to me about poetic licence it’s just lazy and is probably one of the reasons the country is in the state it is today, well that and Steps getting back together.  It wouldn’t have taken them 2 minutes to change the song slightly and make it about a purchase from Greggs that’s gone past its sell by date and the regret the owner has of not throwing it out before it went a bit off:

“and you’re a real gone bun, maybe now baby, I’ll do what i should have done”.

http://readingroom.podbean.com/

http://readingroom.podbean.com/

 

This month we talk to BBC film critic Mark Kermode about his latest book The Good, The Bad and The Multiplex, comedian, musician and writer Tony Hawks tells us about the trials of turning his bestseller Round Ireland with a Fridge into a film, Science Fantasy author Marie Harbon talks about her book Seven Point Eight, our short story comes from Louis Malloy, and The Reading Room Book Group review Flick by Abigail Tarttelin. All this, plus more Musings of a Muddled Mind with Jamie McKay and poetry from John Welsh.

Never Leave The House.

So I went into town on Saturday, and after roughly 4 years of searching I managed to find a parking space only to realise that I didn't have any change.

 

Dammit I thought, I looked to see if the sweets stall that only sells sweets because people need to change a fiver was there but no it was shut.

 

Ok ok what would Jack Bauer do I thought, and after discounting the idea of interrogating the bloke selling conservatories until he confesses to planning to blow up Argos I realised my only chance is to quickly buy something from toys r us (the nearest shop) and leg it back to the car before I get a ticket.

 

I ran inside the shop, god it was busy AND NOISY, why do they let children into these places?? I frantically looked for the cheapest item I could find (unfortunately the Xbox Connect wasn't it, not that I know what one is anyway it sounds like a park and ride bus at Luton Airport) and hurriedly made my way to the nearest and only open checkout. Only to find the most spoilt child in the world (looking a lot like Veruca Salt from Charlie & The Chocolate Factory "I will sqweem and squeem") has managed to persuade her long suffering parents to buy the entire stock of Bratz dolls, wigs, shoes and most of aisle F.

 

I eventually put my single solitary item on the conveyor belt and shuffled to the front of the queue.

The shop assistant (her name I believe was Abi...) looked at my item, then looked at me, then started to smile, then looked at me again, not in a 'he's nice' way though, it was more of a 'who let him out, it must have been a mistake, he is just a tad on the wrong side of weird' sort of look.

 

"Is that all you are buying sir" she said looking at me, I could tell she was about to laugh

 

"err yep it is" I said looking at what I was going to buy; ONE GIANT GOLD CHOCOLATE COIN

 

"yeah sorry I need change for the car park"

 

then I realised how it looked and the penny (or giant coin) dropped.

 

"not that it will fit in the machine I know!"

 

she started laughing and I turned bright beetroot red and quickly left after paying, imagining that she was thinking I would put my giant gold coin into a blue cartoon parking meter and drive off in my big cartoon clown car, hooting away, with Roger Rabbit in the passenger seat, whilst the loony tunes theme plays in the background.

 

As porky pig would say; Thats all folks.

http://readingroom.podbean.com/

This month the Reading Room Book Group take an outing to the cinema to watch the film adaptation of One Day by David Nicholls, starring Anne Hathaway and Jim Sturgess. Will Hollywood ruin one of our favourite books - or bring a whole new audience to it? We’ll also be talking to actress and writer Abigail Tarttelin about her first novel Flick, Claire Kinton returns with the first chapter of her book Dead Game, we find out how thebookpond.com helps students swap academic books, and our tea break story comes from Jim Gotts. All this plus more 101 Books To Read Before You Die, poetry from Paul Eteng and Jamie McKay brings us Musings of a Muddled Mind.

Signs You May Have Been Watching Too Much T.V

Each day as soon as you wake up you announce 'previously on my life' then proceed to re-enact brief snippets of the day before.

You leave the house with a slice of toast in your mouth as 'Walking On Sunshine' or the theme from Friends plays in the background.

At work you get called in to see the boss, call him Captain, accuse him of eating doughnuts whilst you are on the streets and he calls you a maverick and to get out of his office - even though you work in the Admin Dept of the Tax Office, your bosses name is Derek and he likes morris dancing.

Before going for lunch you tell the story of your incredibly tough upbringing, being raised by 3-legged blind rabbits in an allotment shed in Milton Keynes whilst Fix You by Coldplay mysteriously appears getting louder as you speak.

You come back from lunch punching the air singing  Take That's 'Today this could be the greatest day of our life'.

After a Staff Meeting you tell the rest of the room to 'press the red button now for an exclusive behind the scenes look at your life'.

Rubbish comedians a la Shane Ritchie and Bobby Davro seem to start work in your building. Yes that is Joe Pasquale that started on the reception desk today.

Whenever someone says something slightly rude or strange, you find yourself turning to an imaginary camera and make a bemused face.

Before going on your annual holiday you announce to everyone that you will be back in the Autumn but people can follow your life in a series of expensive audio books available from all good retailers in the meantime.

You don't have Christmas Day but a Christmas Special, that isn't as good as a normal day, lasts twice as long and has a surprise appearance by John Barrowman singing 'Let It Snow' to your Nan.