Spam Spam Spam Spam

It's strange how email spam has changed over the years, I remember it used to be fairly harmless messages encouraging you to click here for the latest deals on televisions and fluffy emails that didn't amount to anything more than a gentle nudge towards signing up for a holiday brochure.

 

Then one day the fella who is in charge of all spam in the world, I believe his name is Ivan McSpammyboots, realised that this wasn't working, people were quite rudely ignoring his wave after wave of harmless junk and instead reading emails about "LOL catz" or "'do you remember the eighties oh they were so FUNNY".

 

So in a rather surprising U-turn he decided to cut out all the wishy washy nonsense and instead focus on INNUENDO WORDS WITH THE CAPS LOCK KEY TURNED ON. Initially this had they desired effect as we would spend minutes, sometimes days, giggling like schoolboys as emails with headings like ENLARGEMENT MAX PILLS, PERFORM LIKE A STALLION PLEASE and PLEASURES TIME GUARANTEED started to flood our inboxes.

 

Mr McSpammyboots was delighted (or EXCITING ALL NIGHT SIR as his emails would describe it), the world was being overrun with these delightful literary masterpieces and soon the world would be his!

 

.......but just like before people started ignoring them, not even opening them and even deleting them before they hit their inbox.

 

Now in one last attempt to rule the world (or at least bung it up a bit) Ivan has decided to write incredibly long, complex, badly spelt, letters from people claiming to be from Nigeria emailing you and just you! about the chance to earn millions of dollars. Or people who have found 1.2 million pounds owed to you by the F.B.I. All you have to do is give all of your bank account details, passwords, address and shoe size. The more ridiculous and convoluted these messages get the less sympathy I have for those muppets who appear on Watchdog after giving their life's savings, house and Gran without even contemplating checking with someone they know that isn't a complete idiot.

 

I have copied one I have received below so you can decide the next time you see Mr and Mrs Shufflesmith on Rogue Traders moaning about there 3.4 billion owed to them by the Bureau Of Nigerian Bank Corrections whether they should be helped or just POINT AND LAUGH AT THEM HA HA HA HA.

 

 

 FROM THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION FBI.
WASHINGTON DC./ UNITED STATES
FBI SEEKING TO WIRETAP INTERNET IMPOSTERS. [Code SSSSFBI]

 

It is obvious that you have not received your fund which is to the tune of $5.5million due to past corrupt Government Officials who almost held the fund to themselves for their selfish reason and some individuals who have taken advantage of your fund all in an attempt to swindle your fund which has led to so many losses from your end and unnecessary delay in the receipt of your fund.

 

The National Central Bureau of Interpol enhanced by the United Nations and Federal Bureau of Investigation have successfully passed a mandate to the current president of Nigeria his Excellency Dr. Goodluck E. Jonathan to boost the exercise of clearing all foreign debts owed to you and other individuals/contractors and organizations who have been found not to have receive their Contract/Lottery/Merit Fund/Inheritance and the likes.

 

Now your payment will be sent to you by ATM card that will be coming alongside a custom pin which you will use to withdraw up to $10,000 per day from any ATM machine that has the Master Card Logo on it. Also with the ATM card you will be able to transfer your funds to your bank account, because the ATM card will be registered with Interswitch. The ATM card comes with a handbook or manual to enlighten you about how to use it. Your ATM card would be sent to you via UPS courier service because we have signed a contract with UPS which should expired by June 20th 2011. Below are few list of tracking numbers you can track from UPS website to confirm people like you who have received their payment successfully.

 

Note: Everything that will impede the process of transfer has been taken care of, to effect the release of your fund valued at $5.5million you are advised to contact the director of payment and delivery officer ISAAC PETERS with the information below;

 

Name: Rev Isaac Peters
Email:

On contacting him do provide him with the following information’s required from you for the shipping of your ATM card parcel:

 

Your full Name:
Your Address:
Country:
Sex:
Occupation:
Home Phone:
Cell Phone:

 

A valid copy of your identity is also needed.

 

Thanks for your anticipated co-operation,

 

Mr. ********************

FBI [Code SSSSFBI]
CC: Federal Bureau of Investigation
CC: National Central Bureau of Interpol